So I did end up going up to Portland this weekend. One thing I hadn’t considered was that this weekend started Spring Break. Everywhere I went, there were college age young people, and lines to get into some of the more popular spot.
One thing I hadn’t counted on that was very new to me is that my social anxiety has gotten much worst. I knew I was socially awkward but being surround by people in that sort of environment made me happy to get back to where I’m on detail too.
From that statement along, there are a couple things I want to say:
- Social anxiety: Freaking sucks. So here I am in a city I love and have wanted to move to for a very long time and I feel like I’m drowning, floundering even, because of the sheer volume of people. I’m already socially awkward as it is, especially lately (several months of people looking at you like what you say and do isn’t valuable doesn’t help). I’m in a bookstore where I’m saying excuse me every few seconds because I’m looking for a book they don’t have and I’m terrified someone is going to not hear me, then get pissed off when I walk in front of them. I didn’t used to be this way, or maybe at least I didn’t notice it as much.
- Touristy things: Are not for the faint of heart. Sure, there are great things that everyone has discovered and is doing. Don’t do them unless you don’t have any other options. There is almost always another location that is just as cool as the one where people are standing in line. Or has better food, like Georgetown Cupcakes vs Curbside (R.I.P).
- Weightloss surgery: This is where I’m drawing in a big breathe and remembering to breathe out slowly. I’m not the same person I was when I went to Portland years ago. I can’t eat how I used to, I certainly can’t drink like I used to, and the walking around was a lot easier now vs then. So what’s the problem with this picture? The problem is my mentality. I still see myself as this big person who is taking up more space than she should, but when I was that big, I never thought I was that big. I knew I could lose some weight, and I still could, but it wasn’t that big of a deal to me back then. Now, and this a complaint, I have to think about food differently. I have to think about my alcoholic nature differently. I even have to sit at the bar differently than I used people. I could start a conversation with people and not feel like I was being judged. I don’t now because I’ve had several months of people’s eyes glazing over that’s trained me to not bother. And that makes me feel like I’m not good enough anymore except to the people who I know love me, even though sometimes even then I wonder. This is where the social anxiety aspect kicks in too, although there are a few other underlying things that I’m not going to voice until I have a long, hard conversation with a therapist when I get back.
- Travel with a partner!: I would probably have had more fun walking around, doing the scavenger hunt, enough the warm day, had I been with someone. Not just any someone, but someone I wanted to share the city with, who knows that I’m crazy, and would have shared the food with me along with the experience. Traveling by myself is great, but there is nothing like seeing the city with someone who actually wants to be there with you.
So my trip to Downtown Portland…
Lackluster? Yes. I still love the city.
Worth it? Meh. Eugene was slightly better and I only stopped there for food.
Short? Most definitively! I spent more time driving to and from than I actually did in the city itself, mostly because I couldn’t enjoy it the way I had before, which really freaking sucked.
Got sixteen new books out of that trip though.
Listening to: White noise.
Reading: The Cottingley Secret by Hazel Gaynor
Quote of the Day: “Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.” ― Napoleon Hill