This past week, I have been driving around like crazy. It’s not been easy and I’ve spent almost 30 hrs on the road in the last week. It should have been more. I didn’t imagine this being a full-time job when I started it almost two years ago.
What I did imagine was getting further along in my career to where I wouldn’t have to drive around to make ends meet. I set myself up for this though so I shouldn’t be complaining.
Determination to have a different life will always get the better of you. When you are satisfied with the status quo, you stay where you are. Some people are happy just surviving. They aren’t doing much else with their lives, but they are happy for the most part. There are days sometimes I wish I could be satisfied with a simple life, or in my version of things, the bare-minimum American dream.
I have always found the American dream to be a sham. The big house with a white picket fence, a dog, a cat, two kids, a husband… I have already failed at this one since I’m gay and won’t be having any kids anytime soon. But my wife wants that dream so I’ll patiently and determinately give it to her because it makes her happy.
Roots are not something I have ever wanted and/or needed. Connections with things and homes don’t leave much space to move around for work or to have a somewhat vagabond-ish life that I had dreamed for myself as I had gotten older. I used to joke on my dad about his wanderlust. Looks like I have a version of that bug too. Being married with kids and responsibilities has gone a long way to making sure that bug stays tucked away in a “What if” part of my brain.
Patience, though, keeps me stationary just as well. Without patience, the need for instant gratification hits hard. It’s definitely a generational thing, where I want something and I want it now. If I don’t get it quickly, I stop working towards the goal and then when I think about it again, it’s too late or has lost the luster it once had.
Patience is definitely needed when it comes to getting the house we are trying for; determination is the only thing keeping me from walking away from it. Determination to prove to everyone I can do this adulting thing and that I can finally get with the program to reach a lifetime milestone. Well, that and $3,000 in earnest money (a DMV standard from those I have talked to about it. Most other states require less.). That’s too much money to just throw away, when building it back up would take six more weeks of me trying to kill myself.
Isn’t life grand?
Listening to: The construction going on outside.
Reading: “Uprooted” by Naomi Novik
Quote of the Day: “Doubt is a virus that attacks our self-esteem, productivity and confidence. Faith that you and your life are perfectly unfolding is the strongest vaccine.” ― Sean Stephenson