Forgiveness

I started the Artist’s Way again yesterday.  Part of that 12 week project is morning pages, three long hand pages in a notebook.  In week one, there are 20 different affirmations that we are meant to write 3 a days 10 times each.  One of those is about forgiveness.

Forgiveness.

I wrote and then I thought about it what forgiveness actually is and how we are told that forgiving others allows us to move beyond the pain and the hurt someone has inflicted on us.  But what people don’t talk about is how do you forgive yourself?  Because forgiveness isn’t just for those who have harmed us; it’s also for ourselves.

After the affirmation, I wrote why I picked that one.  I had a good several lines of things I wanted to forgive myself for.  It was encouraging and scary how many of those I listed were old hurts that I hadn’t thought about in years.  But still they are relevant.  I’ve never forgiven myself for so much.

So when is it okay to forgive ourselves?

Listening to:  Juliet Immortal by Stacey Jay

Reading:  Odd and True by Cat Winters and Juliet Immortal by Stacey Jay

Quote of the Day: “You cannot expect to achieve new goals or move beyond your present circumstances unless you change.” ― Les Brown

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September Goals

August was much better than July but not by much.  I’m hoping September will be better.

Completed/Updates from August:

  • Started classes on August 20th.
  • Updated resume.
  • Miles reached for Walk to Mordor: 1,819.72.  Passed Mount doom and on the way back to Isengard!
  • Weight: 246.6 (up 2.2 lbs)
  • Books read: 25 books.
  • Blog Posts: 2
  • Vlog Posts: 5

September goals:

  • Reach 750+ miles.
  • Get under 240.
  • 10 blog posts.
  • 20 books.
  • 10 vlogs.
  • Finish edits my NaNoWriMo book and submit to Page Habit
  • Sign up for a real life race
  • 100 squats a day
  • Start The Artist’s Way
  • Apply for 4 jobs

Here’s to an awesome month.

Listening to:  Juliet Immortal by Stacey Jay.

Reading:  Thunderhead by Neal Shusterman and Juliet Immortal by Stacey Jay

Quote of the Day: “What you envision in your mind, how you see yourself, and how you envision the world around you is of great importance because those things become your focus.” ― Eric Thomas

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Wasted Space

Today’s post was going to be about friends and the lack thereof that I’m currently dealing with.  I get that nobody wants to deal with a blunt, not always the most sympathetic, kind of self-absorbed person.  But pre-moving out of DC and pre-meeting my wife, I didn’t have issues meeting people and feeling like I was seen.  You can’t miss the fattest person in the room right?

Post move, post marriage, and post weight loss surgery, I’m looking around and I’m not seeing a whole lot of people outside of my family and a few and I mean a few close friends.  Sure, there’s Facebook, where I can’t post my opinion without someone saying something about how I’m wrong and privileged and how un-American I am.  Sure, there’s Twitter, YouTube, and Instagram where I have so many bibliophiles in my feed, I’m never going to finish my to-be-read pile.  But at the end of the day, who is there to pick up the phone and talk to about what’s really going on inside my head?

That’s the question I found myself asking this morning.  Who in my contact list can I honestly pick up the phone and vent about how screwed I really am?  About how I feel like a really messed up person?  About the level of anxiety everything seems to be giving me lately?  About how to get passed being scared?

If I tell one set of people I know that I’m jealous about their kids and that I can’t relate to their lives anymore, I’m wrong.  If I tell another set that I can’t relate because the baises I faced is based on something that I can change so I’ll never full understand where they are coming from, I’m wrong.  If I tell someone anything but what they really want to hear, I’m wrong.  So I stopped talking.  And stopped listening.  And taking up space.

I know some of the people reading this probably do care.  Some of them don’t.  But when someone tells you they feel down or they aren’t being heard or if you look at them, really look at them, and their smile seems tainted, do both of you a favor:  Tell them, “I see you.”  Not in a creepy, kind of way, but in a way that says, “You matter.”  Don’t wait a year and go up to someone and say, “You aren’t the same person who walked through those doors.  What’s up?”  Do it now.  Because you never know what’s going on in someone’s head.

Listening to:  Office chatter

Reading:  Fat Girl on a Plane by Kelly Devos and A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin

Quote of the day:  “When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” ― Harriet Beecher Stowe

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Goals

When I started this blog over again for the umpteenth time last year, I wanted to focus on goals.  Every month started with the goals that I hoped to get accomplished within that month.  Some I met, some I didn’t.  Some moved around and others just fell away.  They were still important to me, but they also seemed to be in the moment goals too.  My aim was to complete at least three of what I set out to do, five would have made me happier, and more than that would be deemed successful and awesome.

Thinking about it now, I have lost the thrill of goal-setting and am just happily swimming through life going nowhere fast.  When my alarm didn’t go off this morning like it normally would at 04:30 a.m. EDT, I got up and still went about the routine of a typical morning.  There was no spark, no need, no rush, even though I was running an hour behind.  I got to work an hour later than normal and I’m still in this mentality of just floating and letting the metaphorical current take me wherever.  Listless is the word I’m looking for.

I feel listless.

At the same time, pinning a goal on the board or something to look forward to is also hard.  Getting the ambition to be anything other than a blob is hard.  Getting excited about something in my life has been replaced by a what’s the point mentality.  I don’t want to be dead before I have to be, but that’s where I am right now.  I know there are things I should do and things I’d really like to do and I feel time slipping through my fingers, and part of me doesn’t care.  It’s like I’m lying in wait for something.  But what?

That’s the question I’m asking myself:  What am I waiting for? *queue Hamilton soundtrack.*

Listening to: nothing

Reading:  Kitty Takes a Holiday by Carrie Vaughn and A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin

Quote of the day:  “There are people who make things happen, there are people who watch things happen, and there are people who wonder what happened. To be successful, you need to be a person who makes things happen.” ― Jim Lovell

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Dementors and Society

It’s pretty clear from some of my previous posts that I’m a Potter-head, so it shouldn’t be a big surprise that depression and battling Dementors have sort of a become synonymous with each other.

This morning, and recently, the Dementors have hit me pretty bad.  There’s been good moments that I’ve chosen to not focus on; I know that.  When you hit a down swing, thinking happy thoughts and being positive when you are not in the best environment for you is really difficult.  Right now is a good moment so I figured I’d try this post again; it’s going better than the destruction post I was going to post.

I don’t want the meds and the chemicals that could either dull the pain and make me complacent or just dull the pain and leave my unable to function.  Want to know the root of addiction?  Not being able to find makes you happy and chasing that brief happy feeling any addictive substance creates.  Reading, alcohol, eating and writing are my addictions.  They are my go to stress relievers because I lost my happy place.  Things change and now I’m dealing with the fallout of those changes.  They aren’t bad changes; they are just changes.  Deaths, promotions, graduations… I’ve written about this before.

Again, maybe some of you are saying the meds would help level me out.  They might; they might not.  I don’t want to be permanently zombie-fied, which is who I was from my experience with the drugs.  I was there for two years when I was 14.  I’m not trying to be there again now and so far, have been able to not be.

So what do Dementors and society have to do with this post?  I’m depressed and I’m lost because I have put myself in a situation where I can see ways out of my current situation but am afraid of taking the risk of doing what would make me happy.  I have way too much to lose that I’m grasping at straws.  I want a simple life but to get there, I’d have to give up my job and move.

Society has trained me to believe that risk is not worth it, that I’m not worth it, that the only good place for me is in an office.  But there’s got to be more satisfaction than pushing papers around, taking notes, and meeting people I have no interest in being around.  That’s not their fault.  I’m just not interested in office work anymore.

As for the Dementors, I can feel life being sucked out of me.  I can feel my motivation and my life slipping through my fingers.  Honestly, I’m starting to feel like a zombie meandering through this life and taking what little pleasure I can from what I can.

When I was younger, I wrote a poem called “Mime-in-a-Box.”  I don’t remember all the words of my poem but the jist of it was I’m in a box and I’m yelling, pounding on glass, and no one can hear me or see me.  No one looked up.  I spent a year and some change getting used to that box and becoming just like the people who were walking past me.  I don’t want to be that person anymore, yet I’m screaming at the people trying to save me from that state because being in that state is easy.  Being a part of the world is F-ing hard.  Caring about other people than your immediate circle is hard.  Caring for yourself is just as hard, but worth it.

Small changes though, right?  Right.

Listening to:  Amazon’s Top 50 Alt songs

Reading:  The Girl who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest by Stieg Larsson

Quote of the Day:  “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” – William James

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Directions

Sometimes, I wish there really was a guidebook about my life, specifically all about me, one that could help me with which direction to take to get to the different outcomes.  You know the book I’m talking about right?  The one where if I choose one action, this happens; pick the other choice and this series of events happens.  Or pick the third option of doing nothing and this happens.  Something like that would be helpful.

I’m at a direction stand-still right now, and I should be writing rather than typing this post.  I have 18,000 words to add to “Journeys” before I can submit it to a potential publisher to hopefully not get to no.  I’m procrastinating at my finest.

Actually, I’m trying to work out whether or not to make it first or third person.  It was originally written in third person, then I started re-writing it in first person.  Now it’s back to third person.  And I’m still only on Chapter Two.

On top of that directional choice, there’s a job opportunity that I want to apply for, especially since it would mean that I may be able to work from home more often than not.  I’d be remiss in saying that if I were still in my old job, the one I was in in January, I’d jump on it.  It’s a promotion and it’s all about writing and editing.  Sounds perfect right?  Not really.  While I was in Cali, I figured out where I wanted to be with my career.  So my directional challenges right now are 1) which job would be more helpful in getting me there and 2) if me chasing my job will also help Ray chase her dream too or not?  Or do I apply and see what happens?

Then there’s this blog.  I’ve talked about a lot of different things on here but the only consistent thing has been my goals and some of my travels.  There’s not been one clear thing that I’ve focused on.  So what is the direction here too?  Don’t think I’m leaving because I’m not; it’s just something I need to consider moving forward.

Any directional choices you’re finding difficult?  What do you do to get past them?

Listening to:  My “Journeys” soundtrack

Reading:  Strangers in Paradise Vol 2 by Terry Moore

Quote of the Day:  “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” ― Thomas A. Edison

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Sensory deprivation…

Or maybe propaganda deprivation would be a better term for how I’m feeling right now.  It’s going to be an interesting kind of day.

I know I should have probably taken a mental health day after the weird, not so great day yesterday.  Thank you other commuters and mechanical issues.  Then there was the issue of understanding how a pivotal person could not see why they need to do their job correctly.  But not my circus, not my monkeys, right?

After yesterday, there was this morning.  I’m still not sure what set me over the edge enough to type this.  Maybe it was the guy who was almost on my bumper to the point had I stopped, he would have had nowhere to go but into my trunk.  Or the person who was in such a rush that I had to pull over to the side of the road to let him pass, even though I was going 45/50 in a 35 (yes, I’m telling on myself).  Or maybe, just maybe, it was trying to get around people while trying to catch my transfer, then looking up to see advertisements freaking everywhere!

Let’s support DC Mothers and Babies, complete with picture of young, white woman on a sunny day holding her protruding stomach.  

Go back to school with [insert college name].  Complete in little to no time with a Bachelor’s in [fill in blank:  Business Administration, Business Management, Political Science, etc.], featuring an affluent, young, black woman in a pantsuit sitting behind a desk.

Want to go to a concert?  Here’s what’s coming up at [insert musical venue].

Check out this hashtag for information about George Washington, complete with animation and our nation’s colors.  

And on and on and on.

There are anthropomorphic squirrels asking you to define “ever” when applying for security clearance jobs, more schools, upcoming musicals, and even things to do around town locally.  And that’s just what I noticed this morning!

Does anyone else not see the issues with these?

Sigh.

Sometimes I wonder if the world is breaking or if it’s just me.  It’s difficult to just be alive right now without the “try this, do that, look this way, wear this” advertisements thrown in your face.  What happened to “be yourself”?  What happened to empowerment?  What happened to being a community?  What happened to having a sense of purpose without the influence of propaganda?  When did having boatloads of debt for a piece of freaking paper become a norm?  When did making yourself up trump not using it?  When did we start caring so much about what was on the outside?

Just some things to think about.

Listening to:  Nothing.

Reading:  A lot.

Quote of the day:   “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.” ― Gilda Rander

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