Sensory deprivation…

Or maybe propaganda deprivation would be a better term for how I’m feeling right now.  It’s going to be an interesting kind of day.

I know I should have probably taken a mental health day after the weird, not so great day yesterday.  Thank you other commuters and mechanical issues.  Then there was the issue of understanding how a pivotal person could not see why they need to do their job correctly.  But not my circus, not my monkeys, right?

After yesterday, there was this morning.  I’m still not sure what set me over the edge enough to type this.  Maybe it was the guy who was almost on my bumper to the point had I stopped, he would have had nowhere to go but into my trunk.  Or the person who was in such a rush that I had to pull over to the side of the road to let him pass, even though I was going 45/50 in a 35 (yes, I’m telling on myself).  Or maybe, just maybe, it was trying to get around people while trying to catch my transfer, then looking up to see advertisements freaking everywhere!

Let’s support DC Mothers and Babies, complete with picture of young, white woman on a sunny day holding her protruding stomach.  

Go back to school with [insert college name].  Complete in little to no time with a Bachelor’s in [fill in blank:  Business Administration, Business Management, Political Science, etc.], featuring an affluent, young, black woman in a pantsuit sitting behind a desk.

Want to go to a concert?  Here’s what’s coming up at [insert musical venue].

Check out this hashtag for information about George Washington, complete with animation and our nation’s colors.  

And on and on and on.

There are anthropomorphic squirrels asking you to define “ever” when applying for security clearance jobs, more schools, upcoming musicals, and even things to do around town locally.  And that’s just what I noticed this morning!

Does anyone else not see the issues with these?

Sigh.

Sometimes I wonder if the world is breaking or if it’s just me.  It’s difficult to just be alive right now without the “try this, do that, look this way, wear this” advertisements thrown in your face.  What happened to “be yourself”?  What happened to empowerment?  What happened to being a community?  What happened to having a sense of purpose without the influence of propaganda?  When did having boatloads of debt for a piece of freaking paper become a norm?  When did making yourself up trump not using it?  When did we start caring so much about what was on the outside?

Just some things to think about.

Listening to:  Nothing.

Reading:  A lot.

Quote of the day:   “I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.” ― Gilda Rander

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July Goals

A lot of things happen this month:  I turn 31 and will have officially have completed a year of my third decade.

Completed/Updates from June:

  • Drive home.
  • Start a new job.
  • Sign back up for school. Classes start on August 20.
  • Miles reached for Walk to Mordor: 1,619.96.  159.04 miles to Mt. Doom!
  • Weight: 244.4 (down 1.4 lbs)
  • Books read: 25 books.
  • Blog Posts: 3
  • Vlog Posts: 7

June goals:

  • Reach 600+ miles. Going to the beach and King’s Dominion, then starting the half-marathon training again.
  • Get under 240.
  • 10 blog posts.
  • 20 books.
  • 10 vlogs.
  • Finish edits my NaNoWriMo book and submit to Page Habit
  • Buy a lottery ticket.
  • Ride most of the roller coasters at King’s Dominion
  • Visit Rehoboth Beach for the 4th.

Here’s to a really good month.

Listening to:  After You by JoJo Moyes.

Reading:  After You by JoJo Moyes and The Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean M. Auel

Quote of the Day: ““Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.” ― Voltaire

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Filed under 1001 Days, Books/Classes, Bucket List, Goals

Further WLS Changes

I got caught in a conundrum on Saturday when I was trying to get dressed and couldn’t find anything that fit the way I wanted it to.  The shirts were too short or too snug; my pants were too baggy.  My mood tanked quickly after trying to find something to wear in all that stuff.

My problem?  I have gone from a 5XL shirt and a very snug 26/28 pant down to a (I kid you not because we picked the shirt up yesterday) a 14/16 top and a 18R pant.  Ray has down the same and since I’ve been gone for 4 months, Ray bought clothes that fit and we got rid of most of our baggy stuff the night I got back from California, like a dumb@$$.

See, Ray, my lovely wife, doesn’t wear clothes the same way I do.  I have always been fat so baggy, long, and loose have been my go to things.  She has not, so form fitting things work.  I didn’t try things on before I packed up most of the really baggy things in a bag for Goodwill.  Saturday, I couldn’t find any of my long, loose shirts and the ones I kept back… In the laundry bin and I didn’t have time to wash clothes.

I was perturbed before my Amazon Flex shift because I couldn’t find anything that made me comfortable.

So here’s the reason for me talking about this:  Body dysmorphia is a real thing for me.  It gets worse with anxiety.  “[People with body dysmorphia] can’t control their negative thoughts and don’t believe people who tell them that they look fine. Their thoughts may cause severe emotional distress and interfere with their daily functioning. They may miss work or school, avoid social situations and isolate themselves, even from family and friends, because they fear others will notice their flaws.” – Anxiety and Depression Association of America

I feel awkward and I still “dress fat” because that is how I have always dressed.  Walking into a Forever 21 still scares the crap out of me because I have never in my life been able to wear those clothes.  I can, but do I really want to?  Not really, but we can’t shop at Torrid or Lane Bryant much longer either.

So what do you do?  Try to change the way you think about yourself (which is really freaking hard after three decades of habitual training).  Find positive social situations that reinforce positive thoughts (another really hard thing to do based off of past experiences).  Or… stay inside, find a job that makes working almost nonexistent, and become a hermit.  If I could, I’m pretty sure it would be option three.

Listening to:  The Girl Who Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson

Reading:  Night Shift by Charlene Harris and The Girl Who Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson

Quote of the Day: “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.” ― Dalai Lama

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Starting Over

Today is my first day back in my old building.  I have to say it’s been interesting seeing people I haven’t seen in four months:  some friends and some colleagues, some who knew you had left out and others who didn’t.  It’s also nice being told to come back to where you just left from.

All in all it’s been a good day.  There’s not much to say, since this feeds back into the change blogs I’ve been finding myself typing lately.

Change isn’t bad.  Sometimes, it’s better; others, it’s worse.  But change is inevitable.  Change is part of life.  Change is… .

I don’t know what else to say about change.  Feelings change; people change; situations and worlds change.  Nothing is constant.

Today’s change was me.  I’m not the same person who left four months ago.  And I get to own that!  I get to be different, even with people who expected me to come back the same.  I get to be the change in a world and atmosphere that seems to be stagnant.

How awesome is that?

So today, I walked into a new job in an old agency.  I walked an old route that I’ve walked almost every work day for the last few years, but I’m not the same.

At least I hope not anymore.

Happy Monday.

Listening to: Amazon’s Top 50 Alternative Station

Reading: Day Shift by Charlene Harris and Me Before You by JoJo Moyes

Quote of the Day:  “Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment, full effort is full victory.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

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June Goals

Another beautiful start to the month.  Sunny, cloudless, and cool.

May… What to say about you?  I’m glad you’re over because I’m that much closer to heading back across the country to home?  I am.  I did also get to do some really interesting things, while dealing some anxiety issues and having way too much fun reading my weekends away.

Completed/Updates from May:

  • Ride in a hot air balloon! Wasn’t thinking this was going to happen.  I’m afraid of heights but I have to say that being up in the air is awesome!  It was calming.
  • Miles reached for Walk to Mordor: 1,536.52.  242.48 miles to Mt. Doom!
  • Weight: 245.8 (down 4.4 lbs.  Ready to get home and doing keto more.  Right now I’m eating everything in my house because I don’t want to waste anything in the next 7 days.)
  • Books read: 23 books.
  • Blog Posts: 5
  • Vlog Posts: 9
  • Completed a 24 in 48 hour readathon and a 36 in 72 readathon.
  • Took a Defensive Driving Class.

June goals:

  • Reach 500+ miles.  I will be home so this should be easier.
  • Get under 240.
  • 10 blog posts.
  • 20 books.
  • 10 vlogs.
  • Finish edits my NaNoWriMo book and submit to Page Habit
  • Buy a lottery ticket.
  • Drive home.
  • Do an unhaul of books so I can get everything back on my shelves.
  • Try to complete the Unsent Letter Challenge.

Happy Friday.

Listening to:  My writing playlist on Amazon.

Reading:  Strange the Dreamer by Laini Taylor

Quote of the Day: “Things never go the way you expect them to. That’s both the joy and frustration in life. I’m finding as I get older that I don’t mind, though. It’s the surprises that tickle me the most, the things you don’t see coming.” ― Michael Stuhlbarg

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Currently I am…

Damn Pinterest again.

I was looking for recipes for this weekend that are keto-friendly—something other than eggs, steak, and bulletproof coffee—and ran across more journal prompts.  This is great actually since it helps me with thought provoking questions as well as getting content up on my blog.  That is always a good thing.

One that I ran across was “Currently, I am…”  I know I normally put a Listening to: and Reading: at the bottom of my posts.  But this list goes a little bit more in depth than that.

Let’s get started.

  • Reading: Stardust by Neil Gaiman and Strange the Dreamer by Laini Taylor. Both are really good books and the narration on Strange the Dreamer is awesome!
  • Playing: Nothing.
  • Watching: I’m on season 11 of Supernatural. I don’t want to start it because then I’m going to want to binge watch it and season 12 just to get caught up before Season 13 hits Netflix.
  • Trying: Not to procrastinate.  I really should be working on other things but I’m excited to almost be done with my detail that I’m not focusing.
  • Cooking: Chicken Enchiladas sans the tortillas.
  • Eating: Nothing at the moment.
  • Drinking: Bullet proof coffee and flavored water.
  • Calling: No one right now.
  • Texting: No one.
  • Pinning: Nothing at the moment.
  • Tweeting: My blog and vlog posts.  That’s the only reason I get on Twitter and I normally ignore likes and things like that until I am really bored and then I might check them out.  Same with Instagram.
  • Crafting: A really pretty four seasons wreath cross-stitch that Ray got me for Christmas our first year together.
  • Scrapping: Um… unknown
  • Doing: This post.
  • Going: Home soon.
  • Loving: This weather.  I need it to be like this almost every single day of my trip back to Maryland.
  • Hating: My lackadaisical attitude right now.  I don’t really want to do anything work related but have a couple things I need to get done.
  • Discovering: What I want out of my job and for my life.
  • Enjoying: Not stressing so much about things that don’t really matter.
  • Thinking: It would be nice to go to the coast this weekend.
  • Feeling: Mellow
  • Hoping (for): A quiet weekend with lots of reading!
  • Listening (to): Nothing right now.  I had to take my earbuds off for a meeting.
  • Celebrating:
  • Spelling: Um… ????
  • Thanking: The Universe for generally being awesome right now.
  • Considering: Calling my school and changing some of my tuition things around.
  • Finishing: This post.
  • Starting: My list of things I have to get done tomorrow.

Happy Friday!

Quote of the day:  “I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.” ― Martha Washington 

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Journal Prompts

This morning I wasn’t sure what to write.  Pinterest, again, is a plethora of ideas.

May’s Journal prompts were pretty short and sweet.  Today’s was “something that needs to change.”

Thinking about things that need to change is tough.  Sometimes, we focus on the big things in our lives that take the most to change, like trying to find a new job.  Notice how we only ever look for a new job when things are going really poorly at our current one?  I hadn’t thought about that until I started typing that out, but honestly, I never once looked for jobs that I thought might be interesting while I was happy working where I was.  It was only after things got bad that I started looking.

Other times, it’s the small things, like waking up earlier and making the coffee at home vs rushing to get coffee and then rushing to catch your train or drive into work.  Something so small as that can change whether the day is good or bad.  Of course, I have that to look forward to in three weeks.

So something that needs to change for me, at this moment:  I am procrastinating on writing up a list of things that need to be done by the person coming in behind me.  Why?  Because I don’t really want this time to be over, and yet I’m ready for it to be.  It’s funny really.  I keep wanting to do awesome things and I want the person coming in behind me to be awesome too.  So why am I procrastinating on doing something that helps them be awesome?  I don’t really know.

Something else that I need to change:  Not writing.  I keep saying this one.  I keep ignoring my own stories in favor of reading other peoples.  My stories aren’t going to get out there if I don’t write them.  Some of them I have to go back and change the characters because I don’t want to write heterosexual characters anymore; that’s not who I am.  Maybe changing the character’s gender will help; maybe it won’t.  Either way, I need to stop not writing and just get back into it.  That will probably be easy once I am back home in my new office with time on my hands again.

These seem like small changes, and they are.  I just have to get them done.

What are some changes you’ve been stalling on?

Listening to:  Me typing.

Reading:  The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley, Midnight at the Bright Ideas Bookstore by Matthew Sullivan, and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson

Quote of the Day:  “All life demands struggle. Those who have everything given to them become lazy, selfish, and insensitive to the real values of life. The very striving and hard work that we so constantly try to avoid is the major building block in the person we are today.” ― Pope Paul VI

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Filed under 1001 Days, Advice Column, Writing, Writing Prompts