Category Archives: Questions

Question Day

I’ve been working on my vlogs for BookTube and my various stories.  I haven’t made much headway with either (although I’m already at eight vlogs for the month out of fourteen).  Those are fairly easy to record, mostly since they are about books.

Since I have been focusing on everything else, I figured today would be a good question day.

#70.  What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

This one is hard because there is a lot of things I would do if I knew no one would judge me.  I figured this would be a good list answer.

  • Audition for a role in a play. There is a production company that isn’t that far from my house and they are holding auditions for “Into the Woods.”  Outside of timing, my criticisms of myself and comments on my singing keeps me from auditioning right now.  I did save their page so I can try auditioning for a different play they are doing later in the year.
  • Sing in public. I have songs on my playlist that I love and sometimes the need to belt out the lyrics is strong.  When I’m in my car, I do; out in public, I don’t.  I don’t want to be judged.
  • Dance in public. Same as singing.
  • Do an open mic night. I think I’m funny and I think I have funny stories to share.  I would love to have the balls to get in front of crowd and through some jokes around to make people laugh.  We could all use a good laugh right now and I have a really great skit revolving around Uber.
  • Not stay at my desk all day. People judge when you aren’t sitting at your desk looking busy.  This drives me crazy.  I want to go sit in a conference room or go for really long walks or just go outside and enjoy that day.  Can’t do it a lot unless the bosses aren’t here.  While the cat’s away and all that jazz.
  • Read more. Same as desk duty.
  • Spend everything I make on non-bills. Bills and adulting are two things that go hand in hand these days.  I hate it and would much rather spend my money on other things like travel and family things.  Sadly, without bills and adulting, there wouldn’t be anything (material or human) to come home to after traveling or having fun.
  • Take a break. Along the lines of adulting, I would love to take a break from my job and find something else to do.  Judgmental me is against it because people would talk and then realize that you aren’t needed in your job anymore so why do you even still work for the company?  On the other hand, a break to do something meaningful with my life like volunteer, travel, or go to school full-time would be phenomenal.
  • Apply for non-public sector jobs. I started looking for non-government positions.  The current political climate has me wanting to get out while I can and go just about anywhere right now.  If I didn’t think I would be judged for looking outside of my agency and knew I could have a back-up plan for coming back to the government, I would apply elsewhere.
  • Write more. This goes back to my perfectionism and my anxiety.  If I mentally could wrap my brain around the story not having to be perfect up front or that people don’t care some much about what I say at first and I can always clean it up, I’d write more things.  As it stands, my need for everything to be perfect sucks and stifles my motivation.  I want to put out good works of art at the first attempt, not the third or fourth try.

Ten things.

Ten judgmental, self-esteem reducing things that I really would love to try.  Where to start with getting past them?  I’ll let you know later.

 

Listening to:  Hozier

Reading:  Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling

Quote of the Day:  “If you have a dream, don’t just sit there. Gather courage to believe that you can succeed and leave no stone unturned to make it a reality.”  ― Roopleen

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Home

I haven’t done a question day in a while.  With everything else going on, but not much too really talk about yet, I figured it would be a good idea since there are still 90 more to go.

Thanks to Google’s Random number generator, today’s number is “49”.

Question #49:  When you think of “home,” what, specifically, do you think of?

This question is pretty appropriate because we are looking for a house to settle into.  We’ve been living in an apartment for the last couple years.  I’ll spare you the rant about home buying and the American dream.

I’ve never been a white picket fence type of person.  Sure, it would be nice to have some roots, but when you don’t really grow up with them (we moved a lot when I was growing up), putting down roots is scary to me, even if it’s just a house.

That’s not answer the question yet but just a bit of background on why this question is sort of hard to answer.  Of course, if it were easy, these questions wouldn’t exist to make you think about your life and the experiences and people who’ve passed through.

So home… Home is a place where my family is.  Not just the family I’ve married into, but my biological family.  Sure, I don’t see them as much as I should; someday I’m going to regret that.

Home is where things should be less stressful and serves as an escape from the stress of the day.  Lately, our stress has been at home because of us trying to make sure we are set for our next move.  There’s a few other stressors there too (funds mostly because I haven’t been Ubering in almost a month and things are tight).

Home is the arms of the people who can make the day fade away and can make anything feel possible.

Home is where the people in your heart are.  It’s where you get the answers to the hardest questions you never got to ask while they were around.

Home isn’t always about shelter, it’s about love and respect and trust and knowing there are people who love you enough to be there to help you pick up the broken pieces when you are failing at adulting and at life in general.

Home… is home.

What does home mean to you?

Happy Friday!

Listening to:  Amazon Music

Reading:  Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling

Quote of the Day:  “The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” — Maya Angelou

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Question Day

Happy Wednesday.

I’ve been going through my 101 list to see what I can complete, what I can start, and what things are going to need to have some steps added to them to get to that goal.

So today is question day:  #8: What stands between you and happiness?

When I asked this question a few years ago, there were a few answers folks had given me:  Pride, hopelessness, and negativity and negative thoughts.

For me, the answer to this question boils down as:  1) What makes me happy? and 2) What do I need to do to be able to do those things?

1) Simple things make me happy.  Spending time with my family even if we aren’t doing much.  Focusing on things like cross-stitch and writing makes me happy.  Reading someone else’s story makes me happy.

2) Time, patience, love and understanding that the first drafts don’t have to be perfect and that crafting beautiful things isn’t always a perfect process.

So what would happen if I had none of those things? What would happen if one day, my family and friends up and left me?  What would happen if one day, I didn’t have my hands to type with or my eyes to see with?  That’s the other questions my brain is asking myself.

If I had no family or friends, life would be lonely.  I’m a social person with co-dependency issues.  For those of you who don’t know what co-dependency is, it comes down to I focus on other people’s problems to avoid dealing with my own.  It can be very sad and I don’t have a whole jumble of problems, but I do have some that aren’t ones I want to focus on.

If I lost use of my hands, I’d cry for a very long time.  Without my hands, just about everything I love would be gone.  My eyes wouldn’t be as dire but life would still suck.  Would it be worth dying?  No.  Would it suck?  Hell yes.  This just means not taking things like that for granted. I have them but tomorrow I could easily not.

Oh right.  Answer the question!

Pride, guilt, blame, time, and a perfectionist mentality.  If I can’t do it perfectly the first, I don’t want to do it at all. It leads to many projects being restarted and thrown away and many things I want to do never started.

What stands between you and your happiness?

Listening to:  “The DaVinci Code” by Dan Brown

Reading:  Fables Volume 13 and “The DaVinci Code” by Dan Brown

Quote of the Day:  “Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire.”  ― Dan BrownThe Da Vinci Code

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Question Day

Happy Post Easter Monday.

Today, I’m not sure what to write about.  I could write about the fact that I’m finally under 300 lbs (@ 297.6) for the first time since I was 16.  I could write about how my half marathon training is going and that I finally reached 300 miles for the year so far with 1717 to go before December 31 at 23:59.  But I’m not sure I want to write about those other than to say that I’ve reached those milestones like I just did.

Since I don’t have much to write about today, I think I’ll make it a question day:

#50: What’s the most valuable thing you own?

Materially, my computer and my flash drive hands down.  I can take losing almost everything else, but losing those two things would cause massive panic attacks.

Non-materially, there are two things that I value a lot:

Number one is the family I married into.  I don’t know where I would be without Ray and our kids, and her family.  Even with us going through our ups and downs right now with both of us having had weight-loss surgery, she’s part of the reason I’m doing really well right now.  She and our kids are the reasons I’m doing a lot of what I’m doing with the weight-loss, the walking, and the driving… because at the end of the day, I couldn’t see my life without them there.  I know that’s very sentimental but they are the best things in my life.

Number two is my friends.  Sure they drive me nuts sometimes.  Sometimes, they walk out of my life and I don’t know if they’re coming back or even if I want them back, and sometimes they carry more baggage than I do, but they’re my friends.  Most of them have graduated to being family and those that haven’t know why.  Either way, those are relationships I value. Do I own my friends? No, but I value them though.

 

What are some things that you value in your life right now?  Have you told them lately how you feel?

Enjoy your Monday!

Listening to:  Ed Sheeran’s Station on Amazon

Reading:  The Source by J.D. Horn

Quote of the Day:  “Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn’t anyone who doesn’t appreciate kindness and compassion.” ― Dalai Lama

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Time Sucks

Today is a question day.

Question #18: Which activities make you lose track of time?

  • Writing.  I can easily lose track of time when I’m typing away at a scene I really like.  I just keep going until I think of something else for another part of the story, questions I want to answer within that chapter, or the scene plays out to the end.
  • Cross-stitching. Going through the thread and the patterns help me get lost when I need something patient to do.  I will admit that it takes a while to complete because I find myself stopping every so often and putting to the side, especially when I’m in school.
  • Reading.  Books are my best friend when I’m on the train or stuck in traffic.  Some books pull me in and I want to keep going until I done with them.  Other books take a while to get through, not because the story is bad, but that I find other things to do with my time other than read them.  American Gods or Eat Pray Love are a few of those books for me.  American Gods because it makes you think about what immigrants brought to the new world as far as their beliefs and superstitions.  Eat Pray Love was because I didn’t want to have to sort through my feelings like Liz did.  Now, I don’t have to sort through them as much because I’m in a different “place” in my life.
  • Binge Watching. Since Netflix started doing streaming and I found some shows that I used to watch and loved, binge watching while cross-stitching is a thing now.  I haven’t watched Netflix in while because of work, school, and training.  I do remember I’m almost done with Ghost Whisperer and Once Upon a Time.  I finally finished watching Haven.  Out of all of series I’ve seen, there have only been two series I’ve watched with really satisfying endings:  Haven and Lost Girl.  Neither left me wanting more so if you need recommendations for binge-worthy shows, check them out.  I’m waiting to see what happens with Grimm  Good thing I’m almost ready to start a new cross-stitch pattern now that I’ve sorted through the books to donate, sell, and read.
  • Ubering.  I’m adding this to the list because I can easily spend ten plus hours driving people around over the weekend.  I’ll tell Ray I’ll stop work at a certain time and then I look up after a few trips and it’s closer to that time than I would have liked.  Nights where I’m up almost 22 hours straight mean I’m stopping somewhere on the way home to nap.  I don’t often do it over the week because when I do lose track of time, I suffer the next day.  Getting up at 4:30 a.m. after you get home at 11 p.m./12 a.m. isn’t as easy as it used to be.
  • Social Media. This is another one that’s easy to lose time with.  Pick a reason for any of the time sucks like Facebook, YouTube, or Pinterest, and you’ll hit the nail on the head.  I use YouTube for music and following a few different vloggers, among the “how-to” videos and the Super Carlin Brothers.

I should probably mention I used to be a gamer and that helped me lose track of time.  I haven’t played a game in a while.  After about an hour of playing, I would quit.  Might need to do a game run though just to get rid of some frustration waiting for softball to start.

What are some things you do that make you lose track of time?  Let me know because I could always use new ideas and things to check out.

Listening to: Beauty and the Beast Broadway Soundtrack.

Reading:  Marked in Flesh by Anne Bishop

Quote of the Day: “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” ― Maya Angelou

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Facts about me

I’m working on Aftershock today with a goal of 5,000 words.  That should take most of the day and be a great distraction from the most of the day meeting.  Before I get started, here’s 30 facts about me.

  1. I’m a procrastinator.
  2. I like detail but I’d also rather get to the point and then talk about details.
  3. I’m thinking about getting a Master’s degree so I can get into the Presidential Management Fellows Program.
  4. I went to Job Corps so to even try for the PMF Program is pretty cool.
  5. My first finished novel is stilling on my computer (see #1).
  6. I miss my old boss.
  7. I would love to take a hiatus from my job.
  8. I feel bad that I don’t live closer to home somedays. Other days, I’m glad I don’t. Never would have met so many amazing people.
  9. I started off wanting to be a teacher.
  10. Sometimes I caught myself calling my teachers “Mom.”
  11. I love astronomy.
  12. I used to have to shave my face.
  13. I forgive easily but I don’t forget.
  14. Before I start a new relationship, I check out Zodiac compatibility.
  15. I had lived in the place I just moved longer than I had lived anywhere since I was 6.
  16. Sometimes I do lie without justification even though I know I’m horrible at it just to see if I get caught.
  17. I speed. Anything less than 80 makes me crazy.
  18. I say “I love you” first in most relationship.
  19. I get used a lot.
  20. I don’t let people go easily.
  21. I buy guys shoes because they make me feel like my feet aren’t so big. I wear a 10 to 10 ½ in in mens.
  22. I have really bad hand/mouth coordination.
  23. I don’t mind dating people with kids because I know I’ll probably never have kids.
  24. I like getting my nails done.
  25. When I don’t have a lot of money, I stress and get really moody.
  26. I prefer wine to beer but beer is cheaper.
  27. I love swimming although I can’t really swim.
  28. I have a jealousy issue which also leads to trust issues.
  29. If I could quit work and focus just on school, I would have chosen a different field of study.
  30. I prefer dogs to cats.

Off to writing!

Listening to:  “Cloud Atlas” by David Mitchell on Overdrive

Reading:  “Cloud Atlas” by David Mitchell

Quote of the Day:  “Always be a first rate version of yourself, instead of a second rate version of somebody else.” ― Judy Garland

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Grief Part 2

Yesterday made a year that my step-mom has been gone.  I went home over the weekend to visit my dad and sisters.  February isn’t always the best month for us with birthdays (Dad turned 65 on the 23rd and one of my brother’s turned 35 on the 19th) and deaths (Mom on the 8th and our other Mom on the 27th).

Since I’ve already done a post on grief, I wanted to talk about happiness and living.

Question 72:  What is the different between being alive and truly living?

There are a few different answers to this one.

Settling vs Being Happy

The Whisper App has several threads where people are asked why they settle for what they have instead of going after what they truly want in life.  For me, settling was staying in a dead-end relationship, and more recently, in a job that I had outgrown.  Being happy is being married to a fantastic woman who makes me want to do better for both my family and myself.  Being happy is that feeling of wanting to go home at the end of a day of hard work and hugging someone I love.

Routine vs Doing Something New       

A routine means doing the same thing, or nearly the same thing, every day.  There is predictability and known things and a form of comfortability that comes with a routine.  One shake up or change can create upheaval.  I used to be the type of person who after something had change, I felt life was chaotic and that I would never get back on track.  However, by doing something new, it can become the known.  It may also be a better way to do things.

Learning vs Doing

We are always learning; that’s where the doing something new comes in.  To me, though, there’s a difference when it comes to learning and doing, especially when talking about being alive and truly living.  Take signing up for something (I signed up for the Maryland King Crab yesterday).  I can learn how to train for a ½ marathon, I can learn how to exercise properly but none of that information helps me out if I’m not doing it.  Doing it would be truly living and learning how to do it but not fully doing it is being alive.

Groupon…

Groupon did a commercial about the Have and the Have Done.  It was a neat little commercial and it really brings home the point that having something is totally different from experiencing anything.  That’s true with being alive and truly living.  Everyone is alive; that’s a given.  But not everyone truly understands there is more to living.

Tomorrow starts Lent, 40 days of doing something, giving up something, learning something, reading something.  It is a spiritual journey but can also just be about doing something you’ve wanted to do and doing it for 40 days.  I’m saying this because anyone cane doing anything for 40 days; mine is writing at least a page in my notebook for 40 days.  It’s also a great time to do something outside of your comfort zone in a self-care kind of way for 40 days, things like reading books, practicing meditation, answering questions that make you think about your life, exercising, walking, etc.  The list goes on and is only as limited as you make it.

Enjoy Fat Tuesday today.

Listening to:  A Coursera video on Mindfulness Meditation and the Brain.

Reading:  The Scourge of Muirwood by Jeff Wheeler

Quote of the Day:  “For everything in this journey of life we are on, there is a right wing and a left wing: for the wing of love there is anger; for the wing of destiny there is fear; for the wing of pain there is healing; for the wing of hurt there is forgiveness; for the wing of pride there is humility; for the wing of giving there is taking; for the wing of tears there is joy; for the wing of rejection there is acceptance; for the wing of judgment there is grace; for the wing of honor there is shame; for the wing of letting go there is the wing of keeping. We can only fly with two wings and two wings can only stay in the air if there is a balance. Two beautiful wings is perfection. There is a generation of people who idealize perfection as the existence of only one of these wings every time. But I see that a bird with one wing is imperfect. An angel with one wing is imperfect. A butterfly with one wing is dead. So this generation of people strive to always cut off the other wing in the hopes of embodying their ideal of perfection, and in doing so, have created a crippled race.” ― C. JoyBell C.

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