Tag Archives: Life

November Goals

The last month is both easy and difficult to describe.

On the positive, it finally feels like my spiral is over; it won’t ever go away fully, but it does get better.  I passed both my classes, continued one, and then started two more.  The play I’m in is great and the people working on it are fantastic.  It’s nice having new people to talk to and work together while having fun too.

On the negative, I did end up in a spiral, one that I wasn’t sure I was going to get out of.  Yesterday, I was playing head games because I don’t feel like the person I was two years ago.  Then I have to remember that I’m not.  I’ve done so much in two years!  I’ve learned a lot in those two years too, about what I can do, what I’m willing to tolerate, how to be a good partner and mom, and how to let go of what (and who) I can’t control.  One great quote that I’ve been using is, “You cannot control other people and situations; you can only control your reaction to those people and situations.”  I don’t know who said it, but it helps.

So, while spiraling and currently in a reading slump, this is what I did in October.

  • Finished two classes.
  • Miles reached for Walk to Mordor: 2,044.21.
  • Weight: 235.6 (down 4 lbs)
  • Books read: 22 books.
  • Blog Posts: 3
  • Vlog Posts: Maybe 1 or 2, not many.
  • Read 200 books:  Smashed and currently at 232 for the year!

October goals:

  • Reach 1,000+ miles.
  • Get under 230—I was so close to 235!
  • 10 blog posts.
  • 20 books.
  • 6 vlogs + NaNoWriMo Vlogs
  • Complete NaNoWriMo with 60k+ words
  • Finish painting the bricks
  • Figure out Christmas
  • 100 squats a day

It’s going to be a busy month, but it’s going to be awesome because I’m going to make it awesome.

Listening to:  How to Save Your Own Life by Michael Gates Gill

Reading:  Kitty Steals the Show by Carrie Vaughn and How to Save Your Own Life by Michael Gates Gill

Quote of the Day: ““Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ― Buddha

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Dementors and Society

It’s pretty clear from some of my previous posts that I’m a Potter-head, so it shouldn’t be a big surprise that depression and battling Dementors have sort of a become synonymous with each other.

This morning, and recently, the Dementors have hit me pretty bad.  There’s been good moments that I’ve chosen to not focus on; I know that.  When you hit a down swing, thinking happy thoughts and being positive when you are not in the best environment for you is really difficult.  Right now is a good moment so I figured I’d try this post again; it’s going better than the destruction post I was going to post.

I don’t want the meds and the chemicals that could either dull the pain and make me complacent or just dull the pain and leave my unable to function.  Want to know the root of addiction?  Not being able to find makes you happy and chasing that brief happy feeling any addictive substance creates.  Reading, alcohol, eating and writing are my addictions.  They are my go to stress relievers because I lost my happy place.  Things change and now I’m dealing with the fallout of those changes.  They aren’t bad changes; they are just changes.  Deaths, promotions, graduations… I’ve written about this before.

Again, maybe some of you are saying the meds would help level me out.  They might; they might not.  I don’t want to be permanently zombie-fied, which is who I was from my experience with the drugs.  I was there for two years when I was 14.  I’m not trying to be there again now and so far, have been able to not be.

So what do Dementors and society have to do with this post?  I’m depressed and I’m lost because I have put myself in a situation where I can see ways out of my current situation but am afraid of taking the risk of doing what would make me happy.  I have way too much to lose that I’m grasping at straws.  I want a simple life but to get there, I’d have to give up my job and move.

Society has trained me to believe that risk is not worth it, that I’m not worth it, that the only good place for me is in an office.  But there’s got to be more satisfaction than pushing papers around, taking notes, and meeting people I have no interest in being around.  That’s not their fault.  I’m just not interested in office work anymore.

As for the Dementors, I can feel life being sucked out of me.  I can feel my motivation and my life slipping through my fingers.  Honestly, I’m starting to feel like a zombie meandering through this life and taking what little pleasure I can from what I can.

When I was younger, I wrote a poem called “Mime-in-a-Box.”  I don’t remember all the words of my poem but the jist of it was I’m in a box and I’m yelling, pounding on glass, and no one can hear me or see me.  No one looked up.  I spent a year and some change getting used to that box and becoming just like the people who were walking past me.  I don’t want to be that person anymore, yet I’m screaming at the people trying to save me from that state because being in that state is easy.  Being a part of the world is F-ing hard.  Caring about other people than your immediate circle is hard.  Caring for yourself is just as hard, but worth it.

Small changes though, right?  Right.

Listening to:  Amazon’s Top 50 Alt songs

Reading:  The Girl who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest by Stieg Larsson

Quote of the Day:  “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” – William James

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Directions

Sometimes, I wish there really was a guidebook about my life, specifically all about me, one that could help me with which direction to take to get to the different outcomes.  You know the book I’m talking about right?  The one where if I choose one action, this happens; pick the other choice and this series of events happens.  Or pick the third option of doing nothing and this happens.  Something like that would be helpful.

I’m at a direction stand-still right now, and I should be writing rather than typing this post.  I have 18,000 words to add to “Journeys” before I can submit it to a potential publisher to hopefully not get to no.  I’m procrastinating at my finest.

Actually, I’m trying to work out whether or not to make it first or third person.  It was originally written in third person, then I started re-writing it in first person.  Now it’s back to third person.  And I’m still only on Chapter Two.

On top of that directional choice, there’s a job opportunity that I want to apply for, especially since it would mean that I may be able to work from home more often than not.  I’d be remiss in saying that if I were still in my old job, the one I was in in January, I’d jump on it.  It’s a promotion and it’s all about writing and editing.  Sounds perfect right?  Not really.  While I was in Cali, I figured out where I wanted to be with my career.  So my directional challenges right now are 1) which job would be more helpful in getting me there and 2) if me chasing my job will also help Ray chase her dream too or not?  Or do I apply and see what happens?

Then there’s this blog.  I’ve talked about a lot of different things on here but the only consistent thing has been my goals and some of my travels.  There’s not been one clear thing that I’ve focused on.  So what is the direction here too?  Don’t think I’m leaving because I’m not; it’s just something I need to consider moving forward.

Any directional choices you’re finding difficult?  What do you do to get past them?

Listening to:  My “Journeys” soundtrack

Reading:  Strangers in Paradise Vol 2 by Terry Moore

Quote of the Day:  “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” ― Thomas A. Edison

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May’s Goals

It’s a beautiful Beltane morning!  It’s sunny and cold here but it’s sunny.

I didn’t complete much this month though.  Mostly, I was focused on going to Chris’s graduation and then not burning a book.  That was the surprising part and almost caused another reading slump.  This month, I’m focusing on getting another job and marking some of the travel things off my list.

  • Miles reached for Walk to Mordor: 1,457.87.  321.13 miles to Mt. Doom!
  • Weight: 250.2 (up 2.4 lbs)
  • Books read: 16 books.
  • Blog Posts: 5
  • Vlog Posts: 7

May goals:

  • Reach 400+ miles.
  • Get under 245.
  • 10 blog posts.
  • 15 books.
  • 10 vlogs.
  • Finish edits my NaNoWriMo book.
  • Attend a Writer’s Workshop in Bend, OR
  • Buy a lottery ticket.
  • Visit California’s North Coast (Eureka and Crescent City, CA).
  • Complete a 24 in 48 hour readathon.
  • Defensive Driving Class
  • Plan my trip back to the East Coast.

Really need to clean this list up; some of these things have been lingering too long.

Happy Tuesday.

Listening to:  Office noises.  Trying to wrap a couple things up before I leave to go do other stuff.

Reading:  The Lost by Vicki Pettersson and American Gods by Neil Gaiman

Quote of the Day:  “Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.” ― Oscar Wilde

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Reading the Signs

In the last two weeks, I’ve dropped symptoms of what happens to me when I eat sugar and cake-like things to people.  My mother-in-law askThe most recent was pecan pie.  It looked really good and when asked if I wanted a piece, I explained that my hands and nose get numb when I eat things like that.

This coming after I had a cookie for breakfast (OMG was it good) and then got told, at work, that I looked blank faced.  I don’t know if that part goes hand-in-hand with each other but it was weird to have someone say that to me while I’m at work.

Same person asked if I was diabetic or hypoglycemic.  I know the stuff runs in my family, but I was not diabetic before I had surgery and most people say that post-gastric bypass, their diabetes goes away.  What if it doesn’t?  It just shows up as something else, or manifests as something else after surgery.

My symptoms:

  • Passing out about 30 minutes after eating cake, pie, etc. I’ve been very lucky with cookies although after yesterday morning, they are now regulated to afternoon/night time.  Also, paleo cookies didn’t cause issues from what I remember.  I bounced off the walls with those.
  • Cold fingers and nose.
  • Brain fog. I know brain fog; post-surgery, it bugged me.  Felt like I couldn’t care about anything or anyone.  I guess I would compare it to being mentally numb.
  • Mood Swings. These happen a little more than normal and I have been attributing them to other things like weather changes and S.A.D.

I haven’t gotten tested though and the last time my panels were drawn, I was fine.  What if I’m not?  Two people ask you the same question for the same symptoms…

Research time!

Symptoms of hypoglycemia (which normally shows up two to three years post-op):

  • Fast heartbeat.Many things in addition to hypoglycemia can cause a fast heartbeat, including excitement, stress, exercise, or ketones associated with high blood glucose. This can make it harder to notice fast heartbeat as a potential sign of hypoglycemia, but if you are having a fast heartbeat when there is no apparent reason for this to occur, you should check your blood glucose level.
  • Looking pale.You or those around you may notice that you are paler than usual during hypoglycemia.
  • Hunger is a useful symptom of hypoglycemia since it usually leads a person to eat and consequently raise his blood glucose level. However, you may be in the habit of ignoring the initial symptoms of hunger at work or school if you’re in a meeting, engrossed in studying, or attending a lecture. This is a dangerous habit to have, because the longer you ignore hunger, the hungrier you get and the more likely you are to overeat when you finally eat. In addition, if you wait until you have moderate hypoglycemia, your judgment may be affected such that you eat the first thing you find, whether or not it will quickly raise your blood glucose level.
  • Weakness and fatigue.These symptoms are directly related to your body not having enough energy (glucose) for both physical and mental needs. It may be tempting to take a nap when you feel weak and tired, but it’s important to monitor your blood glucose level if you feel this way at a time of day when you are not usually tired. If hypoglycemia is causing your feeling of fatigue, your blood glucose level may go even lower during your nap, and you are unlikely to be able to detect other symptoms of hypoglycemia while asleep.
  • Having a headache often signals that you had hypoglycemia earlier in the day or have had it for some time. For example, if you wake up with a headache or leave a movie theater with a headache, you may have been hypoglycemic for some time. If the headache is severe enough, you may have nausea. You should treat yourself with carbohydrate and plan to monitor more frequently for the rest of the day. If the hypoglycemia has lasted a long time, the body’s stored sugar may have been used up, and you are more prone to repeat episodes of hypoglycemia that day.
  • Impaired vision.Double vision and tunnel vision are two types of visual disturbances that may occur with hypoglycemia. Like headache, impaired vision also often signals that your blood glucose has been low for quite some time. Your brain routinely takes two pictures from two eyes and formulates the pictures into a single image. When your brain does not have enough glucose, the brain loses the ability to coordinate vision. You may see fine with one eye closed, but quick action is needed to prevent the confused state that will follow if you don’t raise your blood glucose level.  Enlarged pupils can also be a symptom of hypoglycemia, but you are unlikely to notice them unless you’re looking in a mirror or someone else takes a close look at your eyes. If you are becoming hypoglycemic while reading, you may notice that you cannot find the correct line or that you see fewer words with each glance.
  • Difficulty communicating.Difficulties with communication can range from not being able to remember a word, to speaking in a monotone, to only responding in simple words such as “yes” or “no.” Some people describe feeling that the words they want to use are just out of their reach.
  • Difficulty absorbing new information.Without adequate glucose, your brain has trouble taking in new information. If you find yourself reading the same paragraph over and over or listening to someone speak then realizing you missed what was said, perhaps because you were daydreaming, you may have hypoglycemia.
  • Dizziness is another symptom that occurs after a person has been hypoglycemic for some time. You may have trouble walking a straight line or changing body positions. This is one of many symptoms of hypoglycemia that may be misinterpreted as drunkenness. If strangers or the police find you swerving while walking, medical identification in the form of a bracelet, necklace, or wallet card may save you from a misunderstanding and get you the treatment needed to stave off severe hypoglycemia.
  • Numbness or tingling.Numbness or tingling in the face or hands may be symptoms of hypoglycemia. Sometimes the numbness is first noticed in one spot, such as the upper lip, then it spreads across the face.
  • Unusual behavior.Anxious, giddy, confused, and irritable behaviors are important symptoms for friends, coworkers, and family members to learn about. These symptoms may occur when you can no longer judge that you are in danger. Your blood glucose may be so low that you no longer recognize family members or authority figures such as the police. You may argue, cry, yell, or fight.

Reading these after I copied them into my “working document” scared me a little bit.  Hello doctor’s appointment and panel work-up when I get back to Maryland.  And I guess new recipe board on Pinterest.

Shaking my head, but definitely not regretting surgery.

Listening to:  2007 Hits Playlist on Amazon

Reading:  Dear Martin by Nic Stone and The Raven Boys by Maggie Steifvater

Quote of the Day:  “You don’t make progress by standing on the sidelines, whimpering and complaining. You make progress by implementing ideas.” ― Shirley Chisholm

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Personality Types

For the record, I’m 30.  That may seem old to a lot of people and very young to others.

I’ve not been quiet about my need and desire to find a new line of work, maybe freelance work like writing or opinion-based journalism (although lately what’s the difference?) or maybe travel agent/dreamer/unrealistic goal setter.  Take your pick.  A deep, secret part of me would have picked librarian or successful author.  I have a book finished; just can’t bring myself to finish editing the damn thing.

One terrible thing about me with this whole “wanting to change careers” movement is I research things to death.  Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you that I research until things aren’t fun anymore, or don’t do enough research…although not sure how that happens.  I’m pretty focused on things and once I dig my nails into something, it’s very hard to get me to not do it.

The first article I came across about switching careers at 30 gave the reader the advice to figure out their personality type before moving forward, since making any type of career change now means finding a career that makes the person happy and going for it.  At 30, with the standard 62 year retirement rate, I’m looking at spending 30+ years (if I finally find something at 32 that I love and qualify for) working in that career field.

So personality tests:  Myers-Briggs.  That’s the go-to for any type of personality test that I know of.  And Pinterest, the best procrastination tool out there, is littered with explanations about the types with memes, lists, why a type might hate you, etc.

Damn it if I didn’t come out as an INFP (Introverted, Intuition, Feeling, and Prospecting).  I will say that the N could have easily been an S (Sensing/Observant) and the P could have easily been a J (Judging).  I don’t know what questions would have gone the 2% in the other direction and I kind of don’t want to know.  The other two, I and F:  no question on those two.

So at my age, with no degree, what jobs am I looking at?  Pretty much novel writing.  What can I do that makes what I make in a year?  Nothing without a degree.  I mean come on!  I have to have a degree to be a librarian, and a Master’s degree at that.  That is a dream job, doesn’t pay much starting off, but as a bibliophile, in a perfect world, that’s what I’d do.  Experience though counts for almost nothing.  Note:  My high school volunteer work and summers were spent at the library.  See?  Already looking at that route.

I’m complaining because now I have to get off my duff, finish my Bachelor’s, and start working on my Master’s in Library Sciences.  Yeah to another two to three years of school and another three years doing what I do now.  At least I’ll hit the eight-hour leave category by then right?

Listening to: Wish You Were Here by Incubus on repeat (Thank you Amazon!)

Reading:  Queen of the Darkness by Anne Bishop and A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab

Quote of the Day:  “The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt.” ― Max Lerner

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Change in Location

There have been few opportunities where I can change my life for the better.  One was going to DC, then having some amazing people who were great and supportive of my life and my career.  Another was meeting Ray.  I know I talk about Ray a lot but she’s pretty freaking special to me.

Then, just when life feels like it is going to break you, the Universe (or whatever external divinity you believe in) reminds you that good (and even great) things are out there.  You just have to be brave enough to take them.

Currently, I’m typing this on my laptop at a table 3,000 miles from home.  I’m still coming down off the high of even being given this opportunity.  I thought it wasn’t real up until I got told there was an action in the system for it.  Still didn’t believe it was real as I was driving out this way.  It probably won’t hit me that this is really happening to me until I get to work tomorrow and get settled.

Every missed opportunity from before…  I want to say has led to this moment.  It hasn’t though.  I screwed up on an interview years ago for almost the exact position in a different location.  Then there was Portland.  I had my hopes up and everything, only to have it land in my face 24 hours later with two words:  Not selected.  I kicked myself a lot for those, but I wouldn’t change the way all that happened.

Life is good and things are awesome.  And someone was willing to take the chance on me to allow me to the chance to work in the field.

All because I put my name in the hat to do something different.

Listening to:  Down with the Sickness by Disturbd

Reading:  Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling and Lirael by Garth Nix (Tim Curry is an awesome narrator!)

Quote of the Day:  “The most important thing is this: to be able at any moment – to sacrifice what you are, for what you will become!” ― Eric Thomas

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