Question Day

I’ve been working on my vlogs for BookTube and my various stories.  I haven’t made much headway with either (although I’m already at eight vlogs for the month out of fourteen).  Those are fairly easy to record, mostly since they are about books.

Since I have been focusing on everything else, I figured today would be a good question day.

#70.  What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

This one is hard because there is a lot of things I would do if I knew no one would judge me.  I figured this would be a good list answer.

  • Audition for a role in a play. There is a production company that isn’t that far from my house and they are holding auditions for “Into the Woods.”  Outside of timing, my criticisms of myself and comments on my singing keeps me from auditioning right now.  I did save their page so I can try auditioning for a different play they are doing later in the year.
  • Sing in public. I have songs on my playlist that I love and sometimes the need to belt out the lyrics is strong.  When I’m in my car, I do; out in public, I don’t.  I don’t want to be judged.
  • Dance in public. Same as singing.
  • Do an open mic night. I think I’m funny and I think I have funny stories to share.  I would love to have the balls to get in front of crowd and through some jokes around to make people laugh.  We could all use a good laugh right now and I have a really great skit revolving around Uber.
  • Not stay at my desk all day. People judge when you aren’t sitting at your desk looking busy.  This drives me crazy.  I want to go sit in a conference room or go for really long walks or just go outside and enjoy that day.  Can’t do it a lot unless the bosses aren’t here.  While the cat’s away and all that jazz.
  • Read more. Same as desk duty.
  • Spend everything I make on non-bills. Bills and adulting are two things that go hand in hand these days.  I hate it and would much rather spend my money on other things like travel and family things.  Sadly, without bills and adulting, there wouldn’t be anything (material or human) to come home to after traveling or having fun.
  • Take a break. Along the lines of adulting, I would love to take a break from my job and find something else to do.  Judgmental me is against it because people would talk and then realize that you aren’t needed in your job anymore so why do you even still work for the company?  On the other hand, a break to do something meaningful with my life like volunteer, travel, or go to school full-time would be phenomenal.
  • Apply for non-public sector jobs. I started looking for non-government positions.  The current political climate has me wanting to get out while I can and go just about anywhere right now.  If I didn’t think I would be judged for looking outside of my agency and knew I could have a back-up plan for coming back to the government, I would apply elsewhere.
  • Write more. This goes back to my perfectionism and my anxiety.  If I mentally could wrap my brain around the story not having to be perfect up front or that people don’t care some much about what I say at first and I can always clean it up, I’d write more things.  As it stands, my need for everything to be perfect sucks and stifles my motivation.  I want to put out good works of art at the first attempt, not the third or fourth try.

Ten things.

Ten judgmental, self-esteem reducing things that I really would love to try.  Where to start with getting past them?  I’ll let you know later.

 

Listening to:  Hozier

Reading:  Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling

Quote of the Day:  “If you have a dream, don’t just sit there. Gather courage to believe that you can succeed and leave no stone unturned to make it a reality.”  ― Roopleen

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Ponderings

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday.  The world can stop spinning now!

That’s a joke from my mom because I would act like the world revolved around me when I was younger and how I felt the entire world should know it’s my birthday and celebrate me.

I have since grown out of that phase but that joke/sentiment still sticks with me years after she said it.  Along with that one time I got sung to by a choir group passing through the Shoney’s and my dad mentioned it was my birthday to the instructor.  Mom and Grandma both got on my case for not saying “Thank you” to them.  I finally mumbled “thank you” to him as we were leaving.  I didn’t NOT say it because I was ungrateful.  I was embarrassed.

But 30…

I wanted to talk about the things I wanted to accomplish but haven’t yet; the things I did accomplish in the last 30 years of being on this earth, especially in the last two years; the loses and the gains of growing into a person your mom can be proud of; or even the things I’m looking forward to in the next decade.  The only thing I’m stuck on though is how much I want to get in the next 14 years.

Fourteen years has significance in a morbid way.  Tomorrow, I’ll turn the same age my mom was when she had me.  She was 44 when she died, so fourteen years.  Like I said, it’s a morbid way to spend my birthday thinking about how, in 14 years, I’ll have seen more years then she did.  Would she be happy with the person I became?  Is my morbidity of trying to accomplish so much in 14 years the reason I feel like I have finite time to accomplish everything I want out of life?

Silver linings though right?  We’ve always got to look for the positive in any situation.  Why don’t I feel like looking at the positive right now?  Why don’t I want to focus on the fact I have a great family?  Why can’t I focus on my accomplishments so far this year?  That would be easy; I just have to look at my goals posts.  There is no easy answer for when does time run out.  Do I really have 14 years?  More?  Less?

Ponderings.  These are just ponderings of the emotions coming from a milestone birthday.  I’m really okay.  Between reading and writing, blogging and recording content for my BookTube Channel, I have plenty to keep me busy, especially since we are also part way through the process of buying a house.

Listening to:  Amazon’s Rise Against station

Reading:  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling

Quote of the Day:  “It’s really something for people who are approaching 30 to take a look at what that means to them.  I think turning 30 is a way to re-identify with yourself.” – Neil Patrick Harris

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July Goals

Happy July?

June dragged by, I think because the Universe knew I was procrastinating on just about everything.  Either way, I did get some things done last month and even one thing I wasn’t sure I was going to start but did anyways.

I completed two 1001 day goals:

  • Get my passport!
  • Go to a drag show (Baltimore Pride)

I also started one non-1001 days goal I thought was pretty neat.

June happenings:

  • Miles reached: 556.96 (Left Rivendell for Lothlorien…357.33 miles to go.)
  • Weight lost: 6.8 lbs (Down to 274.8 from 281.6 on 6/1).  I really hit a plateau this month but down is down I guess
  • Books read: 12
  • Blog Posts: 7
  • Got Passport in mail!
  • Went to Baltimore Pride
  • Vlog Posts:  6
  • Register for Sister Space in Havre de Grace, MD.

July’s goals are fairly straight forward.

  • Reach 650+ miles.  Half training started again for October
  • Lose at least 15 lbs.
  • 12 blog posts.
  • Finish reading five more books.
  • Work on “Aftershock” for Camp NaNoWriMo.
  • Build emergency fund back up.
  • Go camping July 1 and 2.
  • Upload 14 vlogs.
  • Sign up/Upgrade Baltimore Half to Baltimoron (5k plus Half).
  • Buy Yule Ball tickets for December 15th.
  • Close on house.  *Fingers Crossed*

It’s going to be another exciting month with plenty to look forward to!

Listening to: Misery Business by Paramore

Reading:  The Book of Speculation by Erika Swyler

Quote of the Day: “Thankfulness is the beginning of gratitude. Gratitude is the completion of thankfulness. Thankfulness may consist merely of words. Gratitude is shown in acts.” ― Henri Frederic Amiel

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Filed under 1001 Days, Bucket List, Goals

Home

I haven’t done a question day in a while.  With everything else going on, but not much too really talk about yet, I figured it would be a good idea since there are still 90 more to go.

Thanks to Google’s Random number generator, today’s number is “49”.

Question #49:  When you think of “home,” what, specifically, do you think of?

This question is pretty appropriate because we are looking for a house to settle into.  We’ve been living in an apartment for the last couple years.  I’ll spare you the rant about home buying and the American dream.

I’ve never been a white picket fence type of person.  Sure, it would be nice to have some roots, but when you don’t really grow up with them (we moved a lot when I was growing up), putting down roots is scary to me, even if it’s just a house.

That’s not answer the question yet but just a bit of background on why this question is sort of hard to answer.  Of course, if it were easy, these questions wouldn’t exist to make you think about your life and the experiences and people who’ve passed through.

So home… Home is a place where my family is.  Not just the family I’ve married into, but my biological family.  Sure, I don’t see them as much as I should; someday I’m going to regret that.

Home is where things should be less stressful and serves as an escape from the stress of the day.  Lately, our stress has been at home because of us trying to make sure we are set for our next move.  There’s a few other stressors there too (funds mostly because I haven’t been Ubering in almost a month and things are tight).

Home is the arms of the people who can make the day fade away and can make anything feel possible.

Home is where the people in your heart are.  It’s where you get the answers to the hardest questions you never got to ask while they were around.

Home isn’t always about shelter, it’s about love and respect and trust and knowing there are people who love you enough to be there to help you pick up the broken pieces when you are failing at adulting and at life in general.

Home… is home.

What does home mean to you?

Happy Friday!

Listening to:  Amazon Music

Reading:  Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling

Quote of the Day:  “The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” — Maya Angelou

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Filed under 1001 Days, Questions

Writings Part 2

Back in January, I wrote a post about the stories I had written but needed to work on.  Since then, The Universal Remote has been self-published (March) and I’ve started a BookTube channel (June).  What I haven’t done is much writing.

Yesterday, to sort of help break out of the downward spiral of not writing, I had a friend pick a number between one and ten.  I really thought I only had ten stories I had started and needed to work on.  Turns out there are actually eleven storylines written down and one more floating around in my head.

She picked number eight, which is Drifter.  This story hasn’t seen the light of a computer screen in a while.  I wrote it because I was stuck between two guys when I was younger and there was the really bad snow storm in D.C.  Needless to say, it was also the story that had someone telling me that I wrote at a sophomoric level and that my story essentially sucked.  I listened to him and stopped writing for a while.

Drifter was never meant to be more than a short story about a woman who couldn’t face rejection and realizes too late that no one saves anyone but themselves.  I was really in a dark place in my life then.  I’m not in that place anymore but the story is still around.

Since the story is supposed to be short, I needed to check the word count rules.  According to The Daring Novelist, these are the word count lengths used by The Science Fiction Writers of America:

  • Short fiction: under 7,500 words
  • Novelette: 7,500-17,500 words
  • Novella: 17,500-40,000 words
  • Novel: 40,000 words and up

The comments on her blog post has some really good information as well.

So now that I have a word count goal, I guess it’s time to get to writing, right?  Can’t procrastinate forever.

Have a great day.

Listening to:  Amazon’s Long Weekend: Rock playlist

Reading: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling

Quote of the Day:  “Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.” ― Khalil Gibran

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Filed under Books/Classes, Writing

Quotes, Part 2

I did my first BookTube video on Sunday.  I loved it and am looking forward to seeing what I do with it.

Since it’s been a while since I did a quotes blog, here are 10 more quotes that I really love.

  • “If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.” ― Albert Einstein 
  • “You should date a girl who reads.
    Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.
    Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.
    She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
    Buy her another cup of coffee.
    Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
    It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
    She has to give it a shot somehow.
    Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
    Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.
    Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.
    If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
    You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
    You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
    Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.
    Or better yet, date a girl who writes.” ― Rosemarie Urquico
  • “Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” ― Bob Marley 
  • “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” ― Jim Henson 
  • “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ― Lao Tzu 
  • “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” ― Helen Keller  
  • “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
    A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
    A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…” ― Elizabeth Gilbert
    , Eat, Pray, Love 
  • “You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” ― Bob Marley

Some of these are long, but they are still really good quotes.  At least I think so.

Happy Tuesday folks.

Listening to:  Hamilton

Reading:  Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling

Quote of the Day:  Pick one of the above.

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Filed under Quotes

Books, books, …

And more books.

So I was watching YouTube videos the other day because I was looking for something.  I follow the Super Carlin Brothers; they do a lot of Disney and Harry Potter videos.  One of the videos Jay did was in defense of Slytherin, which if I haven’t said it before, is my Hogwarts House.

YouTube recommended a video by A Clockwork Reader with five book recommendations with Slytherin characters.  She kept talking about BookTube.  I watched a few of her videos and wanted to find out more about BookTube and maybe even becoming one.

Yesterday, I started doing research on how to do a BookTube Channel and have been looking at other people’s BookTube channels.  So far, it’s been Emmmabooks, Little Book Owl, Peter Likes Books, PeruseProject, and ProblemsofaBookNerd.  I don’t know where to start but there were SO MANY books!

Speaking of books…

I’m still on the fence about which story I really need to focus on.  There’s no real reason for being on the fence and there’s really no reason for me not writing, outside of I have little to no motivation.  I started writing a travel story and I may switch up to making it a short story and moving past writing it.  There’s a beginning, a direction, and an ending.  Like other stories of mine, there is research involved and I keep making excuses to not write the story.  Procrastination is the name of my game right now.  I know I’m terrible.

Music has been pulling me in different directions too.  “Mad World” has me going in the direction of office worker looking for a way out.  “Monochromatic” by Mary Lambert had be thinking about an old story I had started about what at the time, was going to be a guy that was subdued in growing up.  He grows up in a house void of color, but there’s a girl who is bright but is sent away before his world go gray.  Listening to that song made me realize a few things about that story that makes me want to go back, change a few things, and finish it, even if it’s just a novella.

Anyways, hope you all have a great weekend.  We’re headed to Pride this weekend.

Listening to:  ProblemsofaBookNerd’s Another Big Unhaul

Reading: I’m in-between books right now but starting the Saga Series as soon as I get home tonight.

Quote of the day:  “There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realize there is so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.” ― Zayn Malik 

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Filed under Books/Classes, Bucket List, Writing