When I started this blog over again for the umpteenth time last year, I wanted to focus on goals. Every month started with the goals that I hoped to get accomplished within that month. Some I met, some I didn’t. Some moved around and others just fell away. They were still important to me, but they also seemed to be in the moment goals too. My aim was to complete at least three of what I set out to do, five would have made me happier, and more than that would be deemed successful and awesome.
Thinking about it now, I have lost the thrill of goal-setting and am just happily swimming through life going nowhere fast. When my alarm didn’t go off this morning like it normally would at 04:30 a.m. EDT, I got up and still went about the routine of a typical morning. There was no spark, no need, no rush, even though I was running an hour behind. I got to work an hour later than normal and I’m still in this mentality of just floating and letting the metaphorical current take me wherever. Listless is the word I’m looking for.
I feel listless.
At the same time, pinning a goal on the board or something to look forward to is also hard. Getting the ambition to be anything other than a blob is hard. Getting excited about something in my life has been replaced by a what’s the point mentality. I don’t want to be dead before I have to be, but that’s where I am right now. I know there are things I should do and things I’d really like to do and I feel time slipping through my fingers, and part of me doesn’t care. It’s like I’m lying in wait for something. But what?
That’s the question I’m asking myself: What am I waiting for? *queue Hamilton soundtrack.*
Listening to: nothing
Quote of the day: “There are people who make things happen, there are people who watch things happen, and there are people who wonder what happened. To be successful, you need to be a person who makes things happen.” ― Jim Lovell