I got caught in a conundrum on Saturday when I was trying to get dressed and couldn’t find anything that fit the way I wanted it to. The shirts were too short or too snug; my pants were too baggy. My mood tanked quickly after trying to find something to wear in all that stuff.
My problem? I have gone from a 5XL shirt and a very snug 26/28 pant down to a (I kid you not because we picked the shirt up yesterday) a 14/16 top and a 18R pant. Ray has down the same and since I’ve been gone for 4 months, Ray bought clothes that fit and we got rid of most of our baggy stuff the night I got back from California, like a dumb@$$.
See, Ray, my lovely wife, doesn’t wear clothes the same way I do. I have always been fat so baggy, long, and loose have been my go to things. She has not, so form fitting things work. I didn’t try things on before I packed up most of the really baggy things in a bag for Goodwill. Saturday, I couldn’t find any of my long, loose shirts and the ones I kept back… In the laundry bin and I didn’t have time to wash clothes.
I was perturbed before my Amazon Flex shift because I couldn’t find anything that made me comfortable.
So here’s the reason for me talking about this: Body dysmorphia is a real thing for me. It gets worse with anxiety. “[People with body dysmorphia] can’t control their negative thoughts and don’t believe people who tell them that they look fine. Their thoughts may cause severe emotional distress and interfere with their daily functioning. They may miss work or school, avoid social situations and isolate themselves, even from family and friends, because they fear others will notice their flaws.” – Anxiety and Depression Association of America
I feel awkward and I still “dress fat” because that is how I have always dressed. Walking into a Forever 21 still scares the crap out of me because I have never in my life been able to wear those clothes. I can, but do I really want to? Not really, but we can’t shop at Torrid or Lane Bryant much longer either.
So what do you do? Try to change the way you think about yourself (which is really freaking hard after three decades of habitual training). Find positive social situations that reinforce positive thoughts (another really hard thing to do based off of past experiences). Or… stay inside, find a job that makes working almost nonexistent, and become a hermit. If I could, I’m pretty sure it would be option three.
Listening to: The Girl Who Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson
Quote of the Day: “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.” ― Dalai Lama