That’s where I am today. I have a few reasons for why I’m here but there’s only one colossal reason that being unfeeling is hitting home for me, and Ray too, right now.
One of the things never really talked about before weight loss surgery, or after, is how hard emotions can be when the one thing you ran to when you were feeling hurt, or happy, or sad, or anything that is above or below “numb” is taken away. Food has to be replaced by something because then we have to face the monsters that are the reason we ran to food in the first place.
Right now, my vice is music. Music and whatever kind of candy I can find to put in my mouth to help with sugar cravings. My office keeps a dish of Jolly Ranchers, Fireballs, and mints. Willpower pushes me past them sometimes; others I just give in. I tell myself it helps me write, which is true, in a way. But sugar is addictive, and I had surgery to get over one addiction only to dive harder into another one.
Stepping back to the emotional reason for this post: My passion for some things is fading. I feel like I’m in a permanent state of numb. Sure, in the moment of awesome things, I’m good. But that feeling never really stays unless it’s a negative feeling. I find myself holding on to the anger and the need to scream. I find myself not doing things I used to love and avoiding people and situations I used to enjoy. Part of that is getting married and not having to work on finding a mate because you found the person who makes you happy and that you want to spend your life with. The other part is that I can’t drink like I used to, I’m almost always working on something, and being in situations where you have to watch just about everything you eat can be embarrassing depending on the people you are hanging out with.
The upside to this is that I do want to do more. My numbness and anxiety has me wanting to do everything and nothing at all. If I do something, the pleasure and the passion is there, and then it’s not. There is plenty to look forward to, but the instant gratification that food used to bring is gone. Exercising and moving until I’m sore helps me remember that, and I’m happy that I can move better. The downside to moving a lot more and doing more physically is that I don’t do much at home, which means that unless Ray is cleaning the house, it doesn’t get cleaned. It’s not fair to her at all. So what’s a person to do?
That’s where I’m at today.
Sorry for the melodrama.
Listening to: The Laughing Corpse by Laurell K. Hamilton
Reading: Wolfsbane by Patricia Briggs
Quote of the Day: “Life has many ways of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.” ― Paulo Coelho