Stonewalling

Today has been a very stonewall sort of day.  I started writing this as a positive piece geared towards what the little voice in my head has been telling me lately (Question #65 of the 95 questions).  For those who don’t know what a stonewall sort of day is like, allow me to elaborate.

Stonewall days are days where you spend most of the day building a wall, to protect yourself, to deny something that is true, to separate yourself from others in a way that isn’t always healthy but is sometimes necessary.  Part of today was necessary for me; I tend to bend over backwards to help people all the while complaining about it. It doesn’t help anyone in the end but the wall is nice because I can tell people to go away.  The other night I got told I have a very “my way or the highway” mentality.  That’s true; hurts like a bitch but it’s true.  That reinforces the deny something that is true piece.  Tonight though…

Tonight was sad because the wall is between two people who should care about what the other one has to say.  Tonight, I didn’t.  Tonight, I just shut down and didn’t want to talk about it with the one person I should be talking to about this.  Tonight, I can’t say I’m a failure because that’s what tonight made me feel like:  A grade B failure who had to sit through a speech about finances from a guy who had good things to say but I just couldn’t look past the way he was sending out his message.  I couldn’t look past how much it was geared towards a certain group of people.

Here’s why:

I don’t understand religion.  Sure, I know people who go to church every Sunday, awesome people who have made my life better by being in it.  Sure, I know people who could be called humanitarians because they are atheists who just want to treat others the way people should be treated.  Me, I believe in in a Universal higher power that is both wondrous and scary but is by no means one single denomination or just for one specific religion.

I’ve been to church before and I went for all the wrong reasons.  I wanted friends, I wanted to be liked, I wanted to get away from my parent’s house every Sunday.  Since I left home though, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to church and I can give you the reason for every single one of them, including tonight.

The moment someone starts talking I normally try to listen.  I’m not very good at it but I try.  The moment in the message they are trying to get across they mention “God” or “God’s will” or “The power of Jesus Christ”, I shut down.  I collapse into myself and I’ll find something else to do.  I’ll let them keep talking but at that moment, I am lost and I know my eyes are glazed over.  Add this to it being a financial class where I’m genuinely trying to learn how to do better financially and I basically just zoned out on the first day.  Most people can probably get past the religious part of the message.  I can’t.  I feel like I got preached at and that triggers some very nasty thoughts and memories in my life, things I’m fine talking about to my therapist but not to the important people in my life.

We came home and I started typing.  I said I didn’t want to talk about.  I do want to talk about though and that’s the worst part.  I’m in the mindset right now though that no matter what I say, it all goes back to the whole “Why can’t you just overlook stuff?” conversation that I’ve been having lately.  The comments on people’s posts about current events, my opinions on things that may not affect me directly…

Just want to break things so I stonewall because that’s safer than getting told that my opinions and my feelings may not matter.  I’m not up for that right now.

Listening to:  the heater that just kicked off.

Reading:  Harry Potter and the Cursed Child by J.K. Rowling and The Queen’s Poisoner by Jeff Something

Quote of the Day:  “Complaining not only ruins everybody else’s day, it ruins the complainer’s day, too. The more we complain, the more unhappy we get.” ― Dennis Prager

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